Thursday, July 12, 2012

Painful waits and some ifs'

I am upset.
I am now away from my husband and kids.
It was a decision we (me and my husband) took together when he faced some problems in his job and faced suspension in a foreign country.
Those days I came back to India pregnant, with my 6 month old baby and took up the job.
He never asked me to stay back at his home and undergo pregnancy care.(which I badly wished he said).
I was willing to live a life with whatever little amount he would provide me and kid.
But it never happened.
Later when I delivered and had a secured job and while his job got back to secure position he asks me to resign and stay with his parents. And that too when due to two c- section operations I was totally suffering ill health.
I myself and both my babies needed care and support which only I trust could be provided by my mother.
I denied his proposal and took up another job whilst I lost my previous job due to long term maternity leave.
During the first six months in new job, he created issues stating I am not staying in his family which ultimately ended up as serious arguments between both families.
Ultimately I gave up underwent counselling repairing our issues and then got into talking terms with my husband.
Then I decided to quit my job and stay back with his family as per his "proposal".
But I also got another offer with an onsite opportunity.
I was least interested but since I was also in cash debt a little due to one year of separated living with two babies and with health issues and a plan to invest in one of metros in an apartment to financially secure myself and kids, I had to take up the opportunity.
Now....after coming back from onsite the company demands me to stay back with them for 6 more months....
I have signed the bond.
My kids are with my in laws from the time I went onsite. I am missing them like hell which he never understands. Because he was always onsite and for him missing me and kids is not new.
Now I am getting an opportunity near my kids (instead of 17 hours journey I am going to be 2 hours away from them...)
But again I am in dilemma..

Should I quit the firm I work now for this opportunity? As having a job is also utmost essential for a women in the insecure world of men.(Not a blind blame...but from past experience that he never did take care of any of my financial needs the one year I was away from him..even though it was with his permission)

Or wait for my term to get completed in the firm with bond period and take his words that he would take me and kids back with him to his place. His job is almost secure there now.
But past experiences still remain as a hurt.....

Kids are growing alone with my in laws. Which my husband says is fine....I am also saying "its fine" but my heart is aching.
No words can explain or express my pain except those tears that roll down my cheeks when I type this.
Its all three words "its ok, I am with you" which I expect always...I have never hesitated to tell him those words. But unfortunately he never does that....

When I find that the new offer I am getting is far less than industry standard, I thought for being near kids its better to sacrifice a little on salary. That is what all say....because you cant expect the salary of a metro in a non metro city. But the statement he said me was , when the company gave you offer you should have told them that you will have to check with your husband before confirming...

I felt it very insulting if I am not knowing what I am worth , why should I work?
Is it he that employs me like a consulting firm appointing a consultancy?

No friends these are not feminist words. But everything has a way. If he says " do not worry about how much they pay, better go home take care of our children now" I am fine..
But not a single time he did that.

I understand that my salary too goes to his income so that we take care of our necessities together...

But again he says " I am not going to need your salary...." when its all he who manages my funds incoming all these days. How am I going to satisfy my mind with his words?

All he can tell now is finish your bond term and go home with kids ..."if they don't give what we expect" which statement makes me uncomfortable.
I need to be with my kids now. Which is not possible because of huge sum we need to pay back the company on bond breakage...To be bond with my family I have to break some other bonds now.

My kids now 2 and a half years and 1 and a half year old... missing me like hell. I saw tears flowing like a fountain from my cute little daughter's eyes when she saw me going to work.

My son was showing his grief by not talking to me over phone too.

My husband still is satisfied because kids are taken care by his mom.

Mom in law herself says a mom can never be replaced by any one else.

All these are my mad thoughts now....I have told them my latest salary expectation and awaiting if they will call...if they don't I would need to stay back here until December to fulfill my bond, after which my husband has promised to take me and kids to Dubai...
But this wait becomes a worry when your partner argues with you. When both of you are in state of helplessness. I understand his situation, take up part of I am the one to be blamed.

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