Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Day 1 of 145 ...A little long tale...

The decision has been made. 
The phrase goes "Man proposes, God disposes" but I still have hopes on the Almighty.
There is no use of crying on decisions made previously.
And when there is enough time to make future decisions, it is better to do that.
Life is sometimes like that we will have to "ignore" many happenings around us to concentrate on the essentials.

The messy kitchen in the room shared by four girls. Four working girls. In that few whom did not know how to keep the rooms clean.
This has to be ignored when in the morning you step into a nasty kitchen sink with uncleaned cups and tea making pan.
This also has to be ignored when you wake up and enter into a toilet which is half flushed and untidy.

It was noon at the office and after lunch at the washing corner a fat guy was groaning his complete throat out with irritating noise.
When he gargled I feel the urge of spitting it out. It was the noise he created.
The fat guy who has a belly like a pouch of a kangaroo was walking towards the same lift which I had to take.
Less manners! He jumped ahead of me into the lift when the doors opened.
It is not UK or US where you expect a gentle man to open the doors of the lift for a lady to enter and then proceed.

It was an IT MNC. As any multinational firm it also did not have a specified lunch time. People start going into the cafeteria not later than 12.30.The lunch time ends mostly at 4:00 when the last few workaholics reach the place. 
In an MNC you will spot men aged 30 to 40 will be mostly grey haired,bald headed and/or fat bellied.
A life lived more than the age!
The number of men getting heart attack at this age range is also worth mentioning.

She was reading the biography of V.S.Naipaul. She have heard about this author when she was sorting through the syllabus for UPSC preparations.
And always she had thought about him as a Great Indian writer.
Reading on his biography - "The world is what it is"  it became clear, how much Indian he was.
Writers from India these days do not get much appreciation as deserved at par with their NRI counterparts.
The term NRI would not even suit him. But since he owes the credit to India for his genes we can be happy and proud about that.

The decision she has made after so many additions and deletions in her mind finally made her feel confident about her own life.
It was an end to the isolation.The isolation from her own family which she considers the reason of her living and existence.

Some days are better than others, while some have been hectic which passed away as slow as a snail.
Today had waken up to a headache, that could not be clearly classified as to whether it was a sinus initiated or migraine effect.
But absolutely a aching head day.
Started slow, now realizing the fact of life. The bus which should be taking me to my destiny would definitely be out there. And skipping a meeting would never be a cause for my pending appraisal.
In those beginning years of career these were headaches she used to have. Headaches like missing a bus, a small spelling mistake in an all perfect email, etc

The incident immediately flashed in my memory. It was like sudden rain when there was no dark clouds.
It was Dubai. A beautiful day in one of the cold months.. February of 2010.
It was a beautiful day in the life. Now I could recall. It was also the day when it all started over again.

We were in our newly hired double bedded apartment in fact luxurious apartment. We had ample space to sleep. It is like you could sleep here, sleep there or sleep anywhere you like.
The balcony was spacious, the hall was like a big wedding hall, the kitchen was also spacious.
It is where I bed my little one while I do some cooking.

It was only few weeks since we came to join my husband in Dubai after the first junior has come into our lives.
We had not yet fully furnished our lives or home yet. But mostly did not fail to bring in the baby essentials.
And the day we decided to buy a small double cot for us.
The baby would be sleeping in his crib as per our plan.

We went to a small furniture shop in the International City, the city in Dubai where we initially resided.
There was a cold air and the dim lighted evening was enough to trigger love for any young couple. But she was as usual in  her rebel nature. There was nothing for her to rebel here.
But still she was unhappy with herself and so she exhibited it in every instant of life. That made life even more trouble for that handsome young gentle man. Her husband.

If at all life had a replay button! She wished in despair that those lost loving moments which she herself made miserable came back again.
It would have been a different flow of life then. She had changed her attitude a lot these days. She had to!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Painful waits and some ifs'

I am upset.
I am now away from my husband and kids.
It was a decision we (me and my husband) took together when he faced some problems in his job and faced suspension in a foreign country.
Those days I came back to India pregnant, with my 6 month old baby and took up the job.
He never asked me to stay back at his home and undergo pregnancy care.(which I badly wished he said).
I was willing to live a life with whatever little amount he would provide me and kid.
But it never happened.
Later when I delivered and had a secured job and while his job got back to secure position he asks me to resign and stay with his parents. And that too when due to two c- section operations I was totally suffering ill health.
I myself and both my babies needed care and support which only I trust could be provided by my mother.
I denied his proposal and took up another job whilst I lost my previous job due to long term maternity leave.
During the first six months in new job, he created issues stating I am not staying in his family which ultimately ended up as serious arguments between both families.
Ultimately I gave up underwent counselling repairing our issues and then got into talking terms with my husband.
Then I decided to quit my job and stay back with his family as per his "proposal".
But I also got another offer with an onsite opportunity.
I was least interested but since I was also in cash debt a little due to one year of separated living with two babies and with health issues and a plan to invest in one of metros in an apartment to financially secure myself and kids, I had to take up the opportunity.
Now....after coming back from onsite the company demands me to stay back with them for 6 more months....
I have signed the bond.
My kids are with my in laws from the time I went onsite. I am missing them like hell which he never understands. Because he was always onsite and for him missing me and kids is not new.
Now I am getting an opportunity near my kids (instead of 17 hours journey I am going to be 2 hours away from them...)
But again I am in dilemma..

Should I quit the firm I work now for this opportunity? As having a job is also utmost essential for a women in the insecure world of men.(Not a blind blame...but from past experience that he never did take care of any of my financial needs the one year I was away from him..even though it was with his permission)

Or wait for my term to get completed in the firm with bond period and take his words that he would take me and kids back with him to his place. His job is almost secure there now.
But past experiences still remain as a hurt.....

Kids are growing alone with my in laws. Which my husband says is fine....I am also saying "its fine" but my heart is aching.
No words can explain or express my pain except those tears that roll down my cheeks when I type this.
Its all three words "its ok, I am with you" which I expect always...I have never hesitated to tell him those words. But unfortunately he never does that....

When I find that the new offer I am getting is far less than industry standard, I thought for being near kids its better to sacrifice a little on salary. That is what all say....because you cant expect the salary of a metro in a non metro city. But the statement he said me was , when the company gave you offer you should have told them that you will have to check with your husband before confirming...

I felt it very insulting if I am not knowing what I am worth , why should I work?
Is it he that employs me like a consulting firm appointing a consultancy?

No friends these are not feminist words. But everything has a way. If he says " do not worry about how much they pay, better go home take care of our children now" I am fine..
But not a single time he did that.

I understand that my salary too goes to his income so that we take care of our necessities together...

But again he says " I am not going to need your salary...." when its all he who manages my funds incoming all these days. How am I going to satisfy my mind with his words?

All he can tell now is finish your bond term and go home with kids ..."if they don't give what we expect" which statement makes me uncomfortable.
I need to be with my kids now. Which is not possible because of huge sum we need to pay back the company on bond breakage...To be bond with my family I have to break some other bonds now.

My kids now 2 and a half years and 1 and a half year old... missing me like hell. I saw tears flowing like a fountain from my cute little daughter's eyes when she saw me going to work.

My son was showing his grief by not talking to me over phone too.

My husband still is satisfied because kids are taken care by his mom.

Mom in law herself says a mom can never be replaced by any one else.

All these are my mad thoughts now....I have told them my latest salary expectation and awaiting if they will call...if they don't I would need to stay back here until December to fulfill my bond, after which my husband has promised to take me and kids to Dubai...
But this wait becomes a worry when your partner argues with you. When both of you are in state of helplessness. I understand his situation, take up part of I am the one to be blamed.

Monday, June 25, 2012

The waves that rage

I never thought of going away from you.
But sometimes you force me with your repulsion that I am carried away from you
Like the tides sweeping away the sands, far off the shore
Was it anger, Was it hatred.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
The same way the more hatred you threw upon me
I changed it into my love and came back towards you.
Again but you did the same.
How long will it exist?
I am tired, of this routine making up drama.
Where in I pretend I forget every single 
damage in the past.
The hurt and pain I seemed to have enjoyed.
But pity, the hurt and distress repeat.
Is it that all relations hurt this way?
Or is it because I took pain to love you
so much, that I hurt myself now.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Romance is dead?

It has been 4 years and 7 months since we knew each other.
And married for 4 years and 2 months now.
I still don't believe love is in the air anymore.
It's a visible dead body between us now.
Can't blame me if I expected love!
He is all indulged in his excel of money.
Searching for scope of savings
I was hoping to have a vacation
For few days with him my love,
 yes for him too it was few days,
I fly and reach him evening, a day and another day
pack and fly back to another destination.
All set... flights booked.
Now I feel like cancelling the trip.
Just seeing each other was enough for him
Skype video would have served that purpose.
All his glands including male hormones
should have been dead along with love?
I am traveling for just few hours instead of days?
Poor fellow, gonna laugh at me my envying friends.
But on rethoughts I realize, not love what is dead
It was lust that faded away, but nourished the
growth of real care and love.
He cared much for betterment of me and his kids
Lot more than may be I could imagine.
And silly me could still linger on thoughts
Of Lust, rather than admire the man in him.
The father in him, the son in him,
And above all my loyal husband in him.
It was not dead love, it was my eyes going
Blind, towards the real love he has been giving me.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Why do men call names at their wives and children?

Your communication skill depends on how beautifully you can convey a message.
If it is a disagreement try to express it as disagreement. Not as anger.
Name calling in any relationship is the most hurtful and disrespectful act.
My husband on conversation today was very aggressive and when I asked him the reason the next word he shouted was a "name" which was not respectful.I felt hurt and insulted.
The moment I felt that our relationship was over! At least for a second. I hung up the call.
Tried to pretend nothing went wrong, kept my tears from rolling out.
Tears expose your vulnerability especially being a women.
A male friend of mine once said to me the same when he saw me on tears.
He scolded me for doing that. And said if you could not control tears you should have rushed to the restroom so that no one could have seen that.
It is because until you expose this face of yours to others they consider you strongest.
I took his advise and from the day I would never let my tears drop out in public.I let me tears flow out when I am on shower.
I have my own cry time. If you watch a movie and cry nobody judges you as emotional.So every time when I am cry deprived I chose the most sentimental movie and let the tears flow down, cry to my heartful and then go to sleep relaxed.
I don't understand why all men chose this verbal attack on women to win the conversation.
My dad, my father-in-law,my husband all I have heard calling names.
I do not want my son to repeat this.I pledge to take care of him from doing this.
After all that is what I can do as a woman now.

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Few words about me

To all nice hearts who have stopped by to read these few lines about me...

I would better describe myself as 
  • A Religious - I believe in the existence of a super power and talk to him.
  • A Patriotic - My mother land is same as my home.
  • A Humanitarian - Cannot withstand suffering of any at least in my vicinity.
  • A Mother - To my two lovely blessings from the Almighty.
  • A Wife - I am the fair Ellen lady to my lovely Lochinvar.
  • A Daughter - To my parents who struggled hard for my success and being today.
  • A Sister - To my siblings and all who cares.

Note: I do have another blog. I  wanted to write this new blog to find new readers who would definitely know me only by my writings. I wanted to feel the complete freedom of being a writer.When my readers are anonymous you too have the freedom of judging me on my writings with no personal cults.

I wish to establish intellectual friendships by exchanging our thoughts in this wide arena of Internet Blogging Community.

Please feel free to drop in comments.